Thursday, January 29, 2015

Infertility Fears: Will this be my only child?

            I'm not really sure how to start this post, so let's begin with a disclaimer of sorts. Infertility is a touchy subject for most who experience it, and for good reason. I've been there myself and it can be extremely frustrating, especially when it seems like everyone around you is popping out babies left and right. You want to be happy for them, but there's also a big part of you that is insanely jealous.
           With that being said, it is not my intention to discredit anyone's feelings with this post, especially those of you who may not have been able to have ANY children yet. My intentions with this post are to share a little of myself with the world in hopes to reach out to other (what seems like small group of) women out there who have the same fears as me. Oftentimes it seems our fears about being unable to have any more children after having at least one get brushed to the side because after all, shouldn't we just be thankful to at least have one child after experiencing infertility?
            Absolutely! I'm thankful for my daughter every day, even if I have to remind myself of that occasionally on the days she is driving me crazy. But, and maybe this is greedy on my part, I've always wanted AT LEAST two kids. I grew up as an only child (I have a half brother and we are two peas in a pod now, but that is a whole other big, long story) and I was one of the ones who actually always wished for a brother or sister. I don't want that for my child. There are much worse things in the world than being an only child, but it's still something I think about a lot when it comes to Myka, especially now that she's older and we are ready for another baby.
            As I've mentioned before, it took us a little over three years to get pregnant with Myka. We weren't actively trying the whole time, but still. How many young couples (I was 25 when I finally got pregnant) can go for that long without using any contraceptives without having an "oopsie baby"?
            We were hoping after having Myka it wouldn't take nearly as long to get pregnant with our next one. Well, we haven't been "using anything" for a little over a year now, so needless to say, I'm getting a little worried again. We've already been through this once. Do we really have to go through this again?
            I've gotten my menstrual cycles fairly regulated myself without the use of prescription medicine, told my new gynecologist it's been over a year since we've used any protection and all about my previous problems, and she still manages to be blase about the whole thing and says to give it another year. And people wonder why I don't like doctors. I can't help but wonder why in the hell no one but me wants to get to the root of the problems and figure out WHY my cycles get messed up and WHY it's so hard for us to have a baby so that we can maybe do something about it. I'm still young. I still fall into the "if it's been 12 months and you still haven't gotten pregnant..." category, so what gives? But, I'm getting a bit off course, aren't I?
            With all of that being said, I've "caught" myself appreciating Myka in all her not-fun-for-mommy terrible twos glory more lately as I ponder over these things more and more. As much as I really dislike this stage in child development (I know. I should be "appreciative and embrace all stages", but I don't. If I said I did, I'd be lying. I've never liked this age.), I can't help but wonder now if it will be the first, last, and only time I experience these things with my own child. And it scares the hell out of me.


  1. I can empathize. While I'm past that part of my life now, I remember the sadness, confusion, crying and more that I went through. When my period would be late and I'd get my hopes up, I'd bargain with myself to wait to take the pregnancy test "just wait a week, ok 6 days, maybe 5", then the test would be negative and I'd think maybe it's too early, then another test a few days later, and then my period would start and I'd be crushed. I know it must hurt for you too and I'm sorry!

    I'll share my story with you. I don't know if it will help or not. My first child was born after 2 years of trying. I wanted to have another fairly close in age and I finally got pregnant 2 1/2 years later, unfortunately I lost the baby at 3 months. This really increased how much I wanted a second child and I just couldn't get pregnant no matter what. We couldn't afford infertility treatments. So we just kept trying. Finally when my oldest was about 6 my heart decided that one child was fine and I decided to stop trying and I was okay with that decision. Within 3 months I was pregnant.

    It was a very strange thing. I don't know if that was coincidence or if the stress relief had something to do with it. Regardless, it's not something that you can choose to do, it just happened.

    I did end up pregnant 15 months after my second was born. So there is a 7 year gap between my first two and a 23 month gap between my youngest.

    One thing that I think did make a difference was eating low carb. With my last 3 pregnancies I was eating low carb or paleo when I got pregnant and I think that may have regulated my hormones.

    I hope all goes well for you and your family!

    1. Thank you so much for sharing, Karla! I can relate to a lot of what you went through as well, especially the pregnancy test bargaining and finally getting pregnant once you finally "give up". That happened with our daughter. I finally started seriously considering the possibility that I might not be able to get pregnant and bam! It happened! It was especially cruel irony because I had several friends tell me it would "happen when you least expect it". lol But like you said, it's not just something you can decide on. Try as you might to try and trick your brain, emotions, karma, or what have you into thinking you don't care so it will happen, it doesn't work that way!

      Thank you so much again for your kind words and congrats on ending up with 3 children! :)